mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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