you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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