planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
