I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
