I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
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