WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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