I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
