I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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