i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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