i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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