either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
