Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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