Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
