there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
