Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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