I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
