i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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