Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
