She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
