Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
