Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
