Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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