She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Randomize
