you guys were way drunker than both of me
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
