some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i will never coherently bang her
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
