Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
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