i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
