When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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