i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Randomize
