I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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