Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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