she woke up with a sticky ear
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
