My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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