What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
