If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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