Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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