just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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