nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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