yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
