im drinking this country out of the recession.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
