you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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