Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
