Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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