A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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