I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
