Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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