Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
