i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
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