I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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