if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
